Rei:incarnated
by dogbertcarroll
Summary: What happens to the standard canon plotline when the main characters are reincarnated souls from another anime?
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: Suing a fanfic author is like masturbating with sandpaper; there may be a bit of satisfaction in it, but in the end it's just too irritating to bother with.

Warning: This is actually a crossover with another series. I don't plan on telling you what it is tho' and by the time you figure it out it'll be too late!

* * *

Shinji shifted nervously from foot to foot.

He hated riding the train when it was crowded, always trying to avoid eye contact with someone lest they take it as a challenge, but for some reason riding this train while it was empty was even worse.

The hollow sounds that echoed through the train every time a car shifted from one side to the other sending a ripple down the line were usually covered up by the murmur of the crowd. The harsh metallic noises it made were nerve-wracking. Every new sound rang like an omen of doom, an approaching catastrophe.

That sound there! Surely that was the sound of an overstressed rail beginning to twist under pressure or that sound there! That was definitely the noise one would hear shortly before a gear jammed causing the car to leap from its tracks!

Holding his breath, his right hand clenching the bar that ran along the ceiling tightly, as he waited for death.

Nothing…

The train slowed as it entered the deserted station. The mechanical noises that had plagued his imagination returned to the normal noises one hears when a train pulled in.

For some strange reason a sense of relief that he wasn't going to die didn't suddenly make it's way into his chest, instead a sudden burst of anger at the world surged in his breast.

Why? Why did he have to put up with this shit? Why did the world decide **he** was its whipping boy? Why couldn't **he** have a family that loved **him** or friends that cared for **him**?

The answer flashed quickly through his mind, 'Because pops is a bastard.'

A sharp pain surged through him. Clutching his chest with one hand he panted as the pain faded away.

'I'm too young to have a heart attack, Damn it!'

Shinji rubbed his chest with his free hand, his anger forgotten as he worried about whether he actually could have a heart attack at 14 years of age.

'Feels like someone just tried to gut me.'

Blinking away the strange emotions that seemed to surge up at that thought, he watched the doors open and stepped gratefully out onto the platform, happy to have something to distract him.

The condition of the pole he had been hanging onto went unnoticed, unnoticed by Shinji at least who had already walked on searching for the women who was to meet him.

The pole swung loosely from the ceiling, its base torn out of the floor it had been welded onto.

Shinji walked through the empty train station, listening to his boots slapping against the pavement, echoing into the distance. He knew something was up from the way the train had been deserted, but the station was completely empty as well. The feeling of doom certainly hadn't lightened any.

The cicadas droned on their wavering song, giving him at least a little comfort of the familiar, as he stepped out of the station into the warm summer's day.

Looking up and down the street he noted the complete absence of people.

'This can't be good. I feel like I've stepped into an episode of 'Tales of the Unusual'. Nah, probably just something my… Gendo had a hand in.' He thought bitterly, 'It's not enough just to move me around 3 months to keep me from making friends and interrupt my schooling. He's decided to evacuate the city so the risk of me having any actual human contact is even further reduced.'

Suppressing the strange urge to yell 'Gendo Ikari, this is all your fault!' took a moment and allowed him to get a handle on his anger.

'I must be going nuts. The old man ain't got that kinda' pull. Still doesn't explain why the city's empty tho'.'

Dropping his seabag against the wall, he used it as a chair while waiting for whoever the old man sent to pick him up. 'Where are they? They knew what time I'd be arriving, so they should be here already.'

A querulous noise from inside his leather trench prompted him to pull out his tiny passenger.

A small grey kitten about half the size of a paperback rested in his hand, if by rested you meant attempted to eat his thumb. Lessons about biting the hand that feeds you had apparently never been taught to this fractious feline, or if they had they were from a 'How To' manual.

"If I promise to get you some fish will you stop trying to eat me?"

The kitten paused as if considering this before releasing it's death grip on his thumb. Looking up at him it voiced a simple "queerrrpt?" which Shinji seemed to understand.

"Yes an actual fish. Nothing preprocessed." He smiled as the kitten purred as he scratched it's head before it hopped on top of his hand and ran up his arm, burrowing into his unruly mane of dark brown hair that covered his shoulders.

Grinning he turned back to search once more for today's keeper only to see a girl standing in the middle of the street.

Brown eyes locked with crimson ones, as he tried to figure out why she looked so out of place. Blue hair and red eyes struck him as a bit strange considering the reverse was usually true. The pale skin explained the red eyes quite well though. Albinos weren't common by any means, but they were quite well known.

'That still doesn't explain the blue hair. Could it be a dye job?' His eyes slid down her slender form. A couple inches shorter then him, making her just over five foot two with a nicely developing rack and… 'Nope. That's her real hair color.'

He blinked and checked again, 'Yep, she's naked.'

His gaze traveled along her form once again from top to bottom, with short stops along the way at the scenic vistas, before reaching her feet. 'No shadow. How the hell did I miss that the first time?' Taking in her lack of attire he nodded to himself. 'Yeah that would do it.'

He'd had some experience with ghost breaking. It was hard not to notice things like that when you move from place to place and wander around a lot, looking for a place to practice katas where no one will bug you. The places you tend to end up are the places that everyone else avoids and with no friends, no one had warned him about them. The simple fact that the majority of the human race had gotten wiped out during second impact made those places far from rare.

Getting involved gave him a purpose and while the usual ghost sweepers were all a bit weird, they were a friendly bunch. It always hurt to have to leave them, but apparently his father didn't want him to have friends for some reason and as soon as it became known he had some, or three months went by, he was moved again.

He'd managed to keep it down to mostly every three months for the last five years by playing the wuss, so everyone would avoid him in public and letting any group he hooked up with know the score. It hadn't helped him with his temper however. It seemed playing spineless in public just insured that by the time he lost his temper, he **really** lost his temper and with a dan level ranking in several martial arts the results were never pretty.

Working as a ghost sweeper helped him by allowing him to channel his anger into something useful and while It was never 'end of the world' or even life threatening for the most part, it was satisfying. Sending restless spirits to the other side and squashing the occasional imp or ghoul was a great stress reliever.

At any rate, his knowledge of things unusual allowed him to enjoy the scenery without too much worry. He had a couple of wards in his pocket and she wasn't threatening, whatever she was.

The flock of birds that erupted past Shinji's spot didn't distract him at all. Too many times he'd had something cornered when a convenient distraction allowed it to escape. Keeping your eye on the ball was an on the job skill that he'd taken to quickly.

The rather large missile that roared past along with some sort of attack helicopter did distract him however as did the rather large explosion from down the street and the way the train station was turning into a battle zone.

His priorities quickly switched from 'Who's the naked chick?' to 'Where the hell's my ride?'


	2. Chapter 2

**But for the lack of a wind tunnel...**

Shinji grabbed his seabag and considered his options.

He could wait for his ride and get either blown up or stepped on.

He could hide and get either blown up or stepped on.

He could run and get either blown up or stepped on.

He could hot-wire a car and get the hell out of here!

'I love easy answers. Too bad I don't know anything about hot-wiring a car. Who would've guessed that spending my time in spiritual pursuits would backfire like this? I would've thought that doing good deeds would help my Karma not hurt it.' His thoughts drifted to a wandering monk he'd run into and what he'd said about balance and karma.

"Whoever's listening, I swear that if you want me to then I promise to slack off more and be a bad influence on everyone I know! Just get me out of this!" It wasn't always good and evil that was the balance the monk had taught him, it was occasionally some other pair of opposing forces and if this didn't work he could always try something else.

'I spend far too much time doing the right thing and keeping myself reigned in, so it's either this or… maybe the Slack concept from Bob?'

A small blue Miata screeched to a stop in front of him.

"Thanks for the prompt reply." Shinji muttered before diving into the car and shouting, "Drive, drive, drive or I'll never sleep with you again!" as the car sped off narrowly avoiding a pair of size 150,000 feet.

"Hey!" Misato yelled taking a turn faster than should have been physically possible and almost tossing Shinji out of the still open door, "You know damn good and well that using sex as a weapon destroys relationships, and I would never be so cruel as to do that to you!"

Shinji had just managed to close the door and buckle his belt nodded "You're right. I apologize. I don't know what I was thinking. How about I make it up to you by promising to give you two orgasm for every one you give me?"

"Four!" Misato declared, taking the car up onto the sidewalk to avoid a blast crater without slowing down.

"Too greedy. Three!" Shinji fired back trying to avoid thinking about dying in a fiery wreck.

"Deal!" Misato shouted with a large grin on her face as she shook his hand.

The grin frozen and faded as she took in their present situation.

"Ummm... Shinji?" She asked nervously, hoping to hell this was Shinji and she hadn't just picked up some random boy.

"Yes, Misato?" Shinji grinned.

'Bad influence, check!' He thought to himself.

"When did we start dating?" She asked nervously, wondering if maybe she had been drinking a bit too much if she was dating jailbait and had already blacked out on the details.

"You've forgotten already?" Shinji's eyes became suspiciously bright and his lower lip quivered as he gazed into her eyes.

"No!" Misato denied, shaking her head furiously and looking back at the road, just in time to swerve around a construction sign, " I just wanted to... reminisce with you. Yeah, reminisce!"

"OK." Shinji nodded all smiles again. "It all started when I got a letter from the head of Nerv, a real rat bastard I like to call pig fucker."

"Your father?" Misato questioned, sensing that Shinji might not get along with the commander.

"I prefer the term pig fucker. It's much more descriptive of my feelings towards the old animal raper." Shinji said cheerfully.

"Anyway..." Misato said, steering him back to the story.

"So after setting fire to everything he sent me and pissing on the ashes, my sensei informed me that I had no choice but to go, so the next thing I knew I was on a train heading out here. I was given a picture of the most gorgeous woman I'd ever seen in my life as the person I was to contact," Shinji grinned at the blushing Misato ,"but instead of finding a ravishing beauty when I arrived, I found a deserted city and a giant purple monster trying to step on me. I thought I was dreaming for a minute it was so Freudian and if all that wasn't bad enough, a bunch of helicopters showed up firing missiles that blew up everything but the monster."

Shinji grinned at her as she tried to whistle innocently, like she wasn't over two hours late picking him up.

"So while surrounded by death on all sides, with no hope of escape, I swore that if a beautiful woman were to save me, I would become her devoted slave bending to her every whim!" Shinji proclaimed.

"Devoted slave... every whim?" Misato looked completely stunned for a moment before a sly little smirk found its way to her face. A vision of a chibi version of herself relaxing while being waited on hand and foot popped into her head.

"Complete and utter," Shinji agreed, "of course after another five minutes a missile blew past me from less than five feet away and I downgraded her from Mistress to girlfriend whom I would give much nookie to."

"Damn!" Misato cursed. Having a devoted slave sounded like so much fun.

"Just be glad you got there when you did." Shinji said with a mock stern expression on his face, as he scratched a certain kitten hidden in his hair under it's chin.

"Why?" She asked, taking several more turns at speeds Nascar drivers wouldn't have tried.

"Because in another two minutes I'd have been making you sleep on the couch for so long..." He drawled off, trying to keep a grin off his face.

"Hey! I thought we agreed that withholding sex was a relationship killer." Misato shot him a heated glare.

"Yes we did. You are completely right about that. This is just what I was thinking at the time. I promise to never withhold sex from you as long as you promise the same." Shinji grinned trying to sound contrite.

"OK." Said a mollified Misato.

Misato groaned when she realized just what she had agreed to.

Shinji quietly snickered to himself. This was much more fun then acting like a wuss or any of the other masks he'd worn to keep people from getting too close in public. And for once it wasn't likely he would be sent away for making friends. His father obviously needed him for something...


	3. Chapter 3

**Acid burns and Radiation decays**

Shinji straightened his clothes and dug through his seabag, as they hit the winding and scenic road outside Tokyo 3. It was amazing how much Misato's driving skills improved when the roads were clear and missiles weren't going off all around them.

He'd just found his SDAT player when Misato pulled the car off onto a scenic overlook and set the parking break.

Shinji looked up from his bag as she undid her seatbelt. "Ahh, the old 'we've run out of gas' routine. I hope you don't expect me to fall for that," his voice trailed off for a second, "more then once or twice a week anyway."

Misato grinned. "I wanna see how the battle's going and this is the last chance before we hit the tunnel." She explained before she reached over and grabbed a pair of binoculars from the glove box and aimed them at the ongoing battle that could be seen even from this distance.

Shinji paid her no mind as he fiddled with SDAT player. Being in a battle was exciting, watching one a lot less so. Personally he would much rather be having lunch, he'd missed it waiting for Misato, than watching some overly large monster get blown up by the JSDF. Solid monsters were easy to deal with, it was the immaterial ones that were a pain in the ass.

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**-Military complex war room-**

_Note: In order to avoid rehashing boring old scenes that don't differ significantly from canon, all technical jargon has been removed and everything has been translated from 'diplomatic speech' into 'teenage boy bragging about dick size'. _

"Hah! Like those overgrown tinker toys you've got will be of any use. Watch this shit!" an American four star general yelled.

Everyone watched the monitor as a fighter launched a rather large missile with N2 stenciled on the side.

**BOOM**

The monitor screen dissolved to static, as the blast wiped out the camera monitoring the battle.

"Hah, I love blowin' shit up!" the general smirked.

"Let the dust settle and you'll see how worthless your shit is." Gendo muttered, leaning back in his chair and touching fists with his dog, Fuyutsuki.

"Nigga, please! Ain't nothin' gonna walk away from a nuclear bitch slap."

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Shinji was startled out of his thoughts by Misato yelling, "Shinji, get down!" and smothering him in her cleavage.

A solid wave of sound and light flipped the car over and back onto the highway, as it passed, leaving Shinji on the roof with Misato sprawled on top of him.

"I owe you three." Shinji murmured several minutes later, when the car stopped vibrating and the aftershocks had died down.

"Two." Misato mumbled, dazed and a bit red.

"What?" Shinji asked, as Misato rolled off of him, his ears still ringing a bit, despite the very comfortable earmuffs he'd been wearing.

"I said, Watch the tongue mister!" Misato replied, before frowning and pulling a small grey kitten from her shirt with a surprised expression.

"Bad, Mr. Bigglesworth! You know that's second date material and we've only just met her, despite any promises we both may have made." Shinji scolded the kitten, as he took him back from Misato and crawled out of the car.

Mr. Bigglesworth gave a questioning meow, while Shinji regained his feet.

"No, I'm pretty sure you can't get beer out of them. I'll see what I can do about getting some with lunch, ya little lush." Shinji promised as the kitten vanished into his hair again.

Misato was distracted from the two as she surveyed her car. "Oh, God! It's a wreck and I still have 52 payments left on it." she moaned.

"Misato, relax. I'm pretty sure your insurance company will cover it. They can hardly blame you for the explosion and the JSDF has always covered local damages, since that incident when a parade float of Godzilla got loose and they overreacted."

Misato perked back up. "You're right. Let's flip this baby over and see if she still runs. We're late enough as it is."

With Shinji's help she easily got it back onto its wheels, but the slowly dripping battery acid underneath the engine let them know that they weren't exactly going to be driving it to the Geofront anytime soon. Fortunately they could still coast and it was all downhill to the last gas station they had passed.

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**-Military complex war room-**

_Note: In order to avoid rehashing boring old scenes that don't differ significantly from canon, all technical jargon has been removed and everything has been translated from 'diplomatic speech' into 'teenage boy bragging about dick size'. _

"Shit, dog, the dusts done cleared and it's still standin'. Looks like it's chillin'. Just waitin' ta catch it's breath or some shit." The soldier watching the monitor announced.

"Fuck! Guess you got your shot, but you damn well better come through or I'm gonna bust a cap in yo ass!" The general bitched.

"Aint no thing, but a chicken wing. I got your back. You about to see how Gendo gets up in that shit!"

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"I'll requisition us a battery. You wait here." Misato said, as she went to steal a replacement battery.

Shinji waited about five seconds before hoping out of the car and hitting the vending machines. Seeing the wide selection of items available brought a smile to his face. "God, I love Japan!"

Loaded up with all manner of items, he hoped back in the car just as Misato arrived carrying a replacement battery.

Despite the weight she moved pretty quickly and already had the leaking battery on the curb and the new one in place by the time he got to her.

He groaned when she smiled at him.

"What?" She asked confused.

"Take off your clothes quickly."

"What?!?!"

"You've gotten battery acid all over your clothes. Unless you like chemical burns, strip!"

Misato stripped down to her underwear in record time, covering herself with her hands.

Shinji groaned again.

"What now?" She asked, exasperated.

"You just got battery acid all over your underwear. Take them off and don't touch anything you don't feel like having chemical burns on!"

"But my hands are dry!" She protested.

"Car batteries have wet cells, but they boil a little from the heat of the engine, leaving a thin layer of powdered acid on them that reactivates with just a little moisture, like sweat.." Shinji explained.

Misato groaned and stripped the rest of the way, any small inhibitions she may have had being washed away in her desire to not end up burned.

"Don't touch yourself!" Shinji yelled, before she could do anything else.

"What?" Misato yelped, her hands frozen just above the parts of her she was about to cover up and thinking that this scene reminded her of a particular incident in catholic school far too much.

"Your hands are still covered in a thin layer of powdered acid and anything you touch I'm going to have to pat down with baking powder. So unless you want me fondling you this early in our relationship, I'd suggest keeping your hands away from everything, especially your face. It's murder on the eyes. One of the kids in my auto shop class found that out the hard way. He rubbed his eyes and scratched himself, completely ignoring the safety lecture and ended up having to wear special glasses for a week and he walked funny for months."

Shinji checked the door to the gas station mini-mart and found it unlocked. Holding the door open he shooed her in and lead her to the bathroom opening the door for her. "Don't touch anything. I'll be right back."

Shinji returned with a box of baking powder from the garage, that they likely kept around for just this reason, and sprinkled it on her hands. "Rub them together. The baking powder should take it right off."

He took a handful and patted down her back and rear.

"I can buy my back needing some, but my butt?" She commented wryly figuring he was just copping a feel.

"Are you going to claim you stood here naked and didn't scratch your butt once?"

"Well..." Misato blushed.

"When standing around naked, everyone scratches their butt and occasionally their inner thigh." Shinji explained, while powdering and patting down her hips.

"How do you know that?"

"I had to do a psychology report on unconscious reflexes and the teacher was a femi-nazi. So I picked a subject that sounded like it made men look bad, because everyone 'knows' men tend to scratch themselves, but I showed it actually applied to both the sexes equally."

"I never knew that."

"Yeah, I got an A, once I appealed the F she gave me anyway." Shinji muttered, covering Misato's breasts in powder and doing a very thorough job in making sure there was no chance of them getting any burns whatsoever.

"Are you sure this isn't just for a cheap thrill?" Misato smirked.

Shinji grinned unrepentantly. "It's both a cheap thrill and a medical necessity. If you don't think I'm enjoying this, then you have no idea how beautiful you are. Besides, how often do you think I'll get a chance to strip you naked in public and put my hands all over you?"

Misato laughed and grabbed the box of powder before Shinji's hands could get any lower. "I think I can handle the rest. How about you seeing if you can find me anything to wear?"

Shinji sighed mournfully. "I see how you are, use me for my vast 'How to avoid ending up in a burn ward' knowledge and then kick me out before we get to the really fun bit! Well, Missy, just for that I'm not going to tell you that you can brush off all the powder in a minute or two and be fine!"

Misato laughed as Shinji stormed off in an obviously fake snit and finished covering herself in powder. 'He's quite a character.'

Looking down at her heavily powdered breasts she wondered, 'Why didn't he comment on my scar?' She rubbed gently at the six inch long, jagged reminder of what her father had sacrificed for her that decorated the bottom half of the valley between her breasts and was partially covered by the large silver crucifix she wore.

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Shinji snickered as he stared at the only clothes they had available in the mini-mart. 'Well it is summer.'

Hurrying back to make the most of the remaining time he had with a naked Misato, Shinji had to wonder if she would get pissed if she learned that the powder pretty much neutralized the acid on contact. 'Well, better safe than sorry, I always say.'

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**-The Geofront-**

"Where the hell is Misato?" Ritsuko muttered to herself as she checked the camera on the angel and wondered if the person in charge would arrive before the angel did.

"She better not be off drinking somewhere." The irritated scientist grumbled.

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Misato too another sip of beer as they flew down the road. "I can't believe you have a note from your doctor that allows you to drink legally."

Shinji carefully tilted his beer just enough to let Mr. Bigglesworth lap some from the can. "Yeah, I've also got one from my shrink allowing me to curse freely on school property."

"How the hell did you get a license to drink and swear and why do you have a shrink?"  
Misato flipped her empty can out the window and accepted a fresh one from her underage, for the purposes of drinking at least, passenger.

"Pig fucker, fucked with my life so much that I developed 'anger issues'." Shinji made little air quotes before continuing.

"The real kicker is that he didn't even care enough to try and hide his involvement in fucking me over, so after it became obvious what was going on, my school appointed shrink, don't ask, gave me signed notes allowing me to participate in all the typical adult pastimes for relieving stress. I'm still not sure how he got the Emperor's stamp on them."

"Holy shit! I could have really used those while I was in school." 'Damn, Nuns and their stupid rules!'

Shinji snickered. "Are you claiming you didn't engage in all those things as a teen?"

"Well... no, but it would have been nice to have a doctor's excuse for all the times I got caught doing them." She adjusted the tiny white bikini that she was barely wearing.

Both of them shared a laugh at her teenage self's misfortune.

"So, do you read the booklets on Nerve he sent you?"

Shinji smirked. "Do the words 'set on fire' and 'pissed on the ashes' sound familiar?"

"You were serious?"

"As a heart attack. Pig-fucker actually rates below genital warts in the Shinji Lexicon of things I like."

"So you didn't read the stuff he sent you or have the ID card?"

"Nope. I didn't think they were all that important, they were from Pig-fucker after all, so they were probably ninety percent lies and ten percent more lies."

"Pig-fuc... I mean Commander Ikari, is in charge of Nerve. It's the single most important organization on the face of the Earth right now."

"What?! Who the hell would be stupid enough to put that nutcase in charge of anything?"

"The UN. The creature that they dropped an N2 mine on back there, wasn't just some typical kaiju, it was an angel. Nerve was created to fight them."

"My father is in charge of an organization designed to fight angels? I knew he was going to hell when he died, but I never knew he was actually Satan himself. Although, the title; Prince of Lies certainly suits him."

"They aren't really angels, that's just the code name. They are extra terrestrial entities bent on destroying all mankind. They plan on setting off an event called third impact that will wipe mankind off the map."

"They plan on hitting the earth with another meteor?"

"No, the story about second impact being caused by a meteor is a lie, trust me on that. I don't know everything, it's classified beyond my clearance level, but I do know that all it takes is for one of the angels to destroy the base and humanity will be left defenseless against them."

"My father, Gendo 'Pig-fucker' Ikari, is in charge of saving the human race?"

"Yes."

Shinji drained his beer in one go and tossed the empty can out the window. "We are so fucking doomed it's not even funny."


End file.
